A Big Fat Cry Baby

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on from time to time.  And I am no different.  I have problems just like everyone else.  Well, maybe not like everyone else, but I have some problems too.  Do I have any serious problems?  No.  Not really.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it.  Is my life crap?  Not in the least.  Do I still have days that just suck and I all I want to do is cry?  Hell ya I do!  And at about 9:30am this morning I cried so hard my throat closed up and I couldn't speak.  My eyes shut so tight I couldn't see anything.  So, what set me off?  ... lack of sleep, work stress, home stress - none of these is that bad.  I get about 7 hours of sleep each night.  I only "work" in the office for about 15-20 hours each week now, home life mostly consists of managing the house & kids.  But here's where I think things went wrong... last night, I needed to mail a package to friend in Texas (yes, I'm talking about you Mary).  So after I repacked this particular box for the 3rd or 4th time, I taped it and labeled it.  I just needed to weigh it.  So, I stepped on the scale with the box, checked the number, stepped off the scale & put the box down, then stepped on the scale without the box.  I immediately gasped, both hands flew up and covered my mouth, and my eyes almost fell out of my face.  Obvoiously I have not been on a scale in quite some time.  I was in shock.  How could I have let this happen?  What the Hell have I been doing, or not doing?  I think I am a pretty "on-the-go" kind of Mom.  It always seems like I'm busy and I hardly ever sit down.  So how is it that I have gained 40 pounds since August?  Ya, that just happened, I just told you, and everyone else reading this blog that I have gained 40 POUNDS in 8 months.  And NO to your next cute question, I am NOT pregnant - although I look like I could be, but I am most definately not preggers.  This all hits me pretty hard this morning after I drop off all the kids at their schools.  I mindlessly drive to the bank and the post office and to my office and to see a client (all the while sniffling and crying behind my sunglasses) I then made my way to the 12:15pm Weight Watchers class and signed up for the monthly plan.  I sat through the meeting and listened to the Leader and tried to get ready ~emotionally~ for the next part.  I went to the grocery store tonight and bought all the right things.  I came home and cooked a healthy dinner that everyone (including kids) loved then I logged on to Weight Watchers online and tracked my points for today.  I have been pretty sad and depressed most of the day and that's not really in my comfort zone.  I wanted to reach out to my friends/family and let them know I was hurting today beause it would have been nice to have had a shoulder to cry on.  But when it's about your weight, that's hard to do and I don't know how to ask for support or encouragement in this area so I just went on about my regular day for the most part.  Funny, though... when I'm having difficulty with my kids or my marriage, I have no problem checking in with friends/family for advice.  I'm pretty sure it's because they will either validate me or offer a different perspective.  Generally speaking, I'm not doing anything "wrong" with my kids or marriage.  But being overweight is embarassing beacuse it's my fault.  It's my problem.  It's my shame.  It's my battle.  And I have most definately done something wrong, very wrong, to get to this point with my weight.  I guess the good news is that I have realized that this is a problem and that I am getting help and blah blah blah and soon I will be losing weight.  I'm just not feeling all that gung-ho about it all right now.  I'm still pretty pissed off and sad and depressed I let it come to this in the first place.  Maybe next week I'll have a more positive outlook.  Maybe I will have lost 2 pounds and will feel like I'm ready to take on the world.  Maybe I wont lose any weight and will punch the meeting leader in the nose after I weigh in, I think I get "activity" points for that.